My Olympic Sport

Olympic Rings

With surprising frequency, the International Olympic Committee adds new sports to the Olympics. For instance in 1936, at the Berlin Games, Basketball was added. In 1964 – at the Tokyo Olympics – Volleyball joined the list. More recently, tennis and mountain biking were added. And finally, at this summer’s Olympics it will be golf.
So, I can still hold my breath that in my lifetime my favourite sport will be added, and with the advances available in medical technology maybe I will even be able to compete.
For my favourite sport, my favourite pastime, is, in fact, complaining. From traffic to tourism, advertising to Zoolander 2, I can complain about it.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that complaining is a sport normally reserved for the elderly. True, in times gone by the aged had the advantage in the sport of complaining because a popular style of complaining is the ‘things are not as good as they used to be’ school of complaining. And the older you get, the easier this becomes.
The beauty of this style of complaining is that the comparison can age along with the complainer.
For example, today an older person – like myself – might say that movies are not as good as they used to be – now they are all franchise films and explosions.
But 30 years ago, an older person – like myself – might have said that movies are not as good as they used to be, they’re all science fiction and sex.
Even 80 years ago an older person – like myself – my have said movies are not as good as they used to be – they have sound.
The truth is that the ‘good old days’ are always in the past, and the past can be rewritten.

But I’m here to tell you that complaining is NOT just a sport for the aged. It can also be a younger persons game. I know, I know – the ‘not as good as they used to be’ part of you is saying that young people today aren’t smart enough to complain like you used to complain when YOU were younger.
But the youth have an advantage that most of us when we were young didn’t have – the internet. And with the internet comes one of the most powerful tools in the game of complaining: a little bit of information. Not a LOT of information, because you don’t need a lot of information to complain about something. In fact, it’s better to have just a little bit of information. And even better still if that information is wrong.
Because if you have a lot of information about a subject a couple of things happen: first of all, you can cross dangerously from complaining into criticizing. Because a critic is someone who can complain about a subject, but back it up with lots of references and historically accurate information. And of course in today’s fast paced world, being historically accurate and being able to back things up with valid references also means one more thing: you are boring.
Because the thing about complaining is that you are voicing the opinion of the common man, not some over educated elitist. And of course the common man, as any good complainer can tel you, is an idiot.

If complaining made it into the Olympics, like figure skating or gymnastics it could have a long program and a short program. For the long program I recommend equipment of a sofa or a bar stool, or perhaps as a long distance phone call with your mother. The short program could be held in the aisles of a grocery store.
Certain categories would have to be covered – the stupidity of television presenters, for example.
That could be followed by how money doesn’t buy you what it used to. Of course the triple salchow of complaining would be to let your ignorance of art not stop you from complaining about how ridiculous modern art is.
Of course modern art has always been ridilculous, even when modern art was the impressionists.

I have a new appreciation for complaining since I turned 50 last month. I woke up on the morning of turning 50 with a back ache and a craving for a Cherry Blossom…not the Sakura of Japan, but the sickly sweet chocolate covered cherry candy made in Canada in the 1970s. Because the candy of today just isn’t as good.

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I also see that now I have a chance.
I am gathering signatures online for adding complaining to the Olympics, even as a demonstration sport.
As a quick aside there are many humorously named sports that have been demonstration sports at the olympics: Bandy, Skijoring, Kaatsen – which is not Cat juggling, as I had thought – and my personal favourite, Korfball.
In the past such sports as pigeon racing, kite flying and even fire fighting were demonstration sports and never made the real olympics so why not complaining?

But I doubt they’ll accept it. The Olympics aren’t as good as they used to be in the old days.

I originally gave this as a speech in Sendai, at the Sendai Toastmasters Club

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